11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Maybe you’ve already read this?  Maybe not?  We figured in case you didn’t see it and needed a good laugh – we thought we’d share it with you.  A friend of mine sent this 11 step program to me today on Facebook.  Honestly, I don’t know who wrote it but it had me laughing out loud.  Sometimes that is all you can do as a parent! 

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!

What lesson would you add?

Comments

  1. Angela says

    Under Lesson 4, Put a sucker in your mouth for 2 minutes, hide it behind the couch for a week. Then put the sucker in your mouth again. :-)

  2. says

    For the feeding part, I just wanted to add that one may want to have more than one option for the child to eat because children tend to be “picky”, and more food will end up on the floor or the wall if the child does not like what he/she is given. If the child has choices, he/she feels like they get to make the decision on what they are eating and mealtime goes much more smoothly.

  3. gramma says

    before reading, be near a bathroom and a box of tissue because you’ll laugh so hard you’ll need the bathroom, and if you’re a grandparent you’ll need the tissue.

  4. Karmin says

    Somewhere in the steps should be “have a party and everytime you go to the bathroom leave the door open. to practice for not having any more privacy. I laughed so hard almost peed my pants…oh another welcome thing with motherhood.

  5. says

    Wow! That’s Awesome! My wife and I have a 4 year old baby girl and we totally
    got a kick out of. reading this article!! Thanks for the humor!
    Also folks, if you are not a parent and are reading this, this humorous depiction is totally true, and while being funny is also exceedingly sobering. Great piece!

  6. Deanna says

    One more thing to add don’t forget bout all the POOP yep when it seeps out of the diaper for about the 5th time in 3 hours and its all up their backs and down their leg and o yea on the floor on you and in their hair so thats almost 6 days of wardrobe and 600 gallons of bath water just for one day gotta love poopie days

  7. fisch says

    take a can of peaches and 2 cups of milk. Put in blender and warm in microwave for 1 minute. Smear this on most of your clothing and spots on the carpet. This is what happens when you feed a baby.

  8. Rachel says

    Start using your shirt as a napkin and a kleenex. Continue for the next 5-6 years

  9. Nanna to Finn says

    As a Nanna I totally loved reading this, its great to have a sence of humour cause I assure after 35 years you will love that cuppa at the end of the day or a triple scotch!!

  10. mari says

    This just annoyed me. What’s funny about kids having the run of the house? Why is it funny that most parents today are powerless and stupid? I don’t get it. Sorry. I just see these kids everywhere, that act exactly as described in the list, and I don’t understand it. I have children. They are not perfect, by any stretch, but they aren’t allowed to act like wild animals, either. What child doesn’t know better than to smear dirt all over the walls? What parent is stupid enough to give their kid a peanut butter sandwich and then leave them unsupervised long enough to smear the peanut butter and jelly all over the furniture? And really? If you can’t keep up with your kids while shopping, you really shouldn’t be a parent. You suffer from what I call stupid parenting, and it just bugs me.

    I think it bugs me because KIDS aren’t stupid, but so many parents treat them like they are. Kids are smart… very smart. Give your kids some credit. They understand a lot more than you think. Don’t let them grow up too fast, but don’t treat them like they can’t handle anything. They are capable of understanding things like keeping the house clean, keeping food in the kitchen/dining room and not all over the house, they can understand things like working with budgets, working for a living, eating healthy to be healthy, etc. Give your kids some credit. Their self esteem will not be crushed if you don’t let them smear dirt on the walls, I promise!

    The natural parenting issues, though, are hilarious.

    Breastfeeding every half hour was a huge issue for me, and wasn’t funny at all, at the time. Now I laugh when my friends are crying about it… does that make me a bad person? Probably, but they laughed at me, too! :)

    I love the comment made by Deanna! The leaky poop diapers are the worst! One of my 4 children had a particularly loose poopy diaper at my mother in law’s house. We were having a huge cousin party at the time, and there were 5 toddlers in diapers. She had trailed it all the way down the hall and into the living room and was climbing up onto the WHITE couch before we figured out which baby was dirty (in our defense, we were checking her last because she’d already had a good healthy poop that day and wasn’t one to go twice… we learned from that one, believe me!). YUCK!

    Another poop issue I wasn’t prepared for was the grainy-you’ll-never-be-able-to-wipe-it-off-poop! What the heck is that about??? My youngest recently went through a phase where every single poop she had, I had to bathe her to get her clean! DOUBLE YUCK!

    So that’s my sermon on the article. Kids are awesome. I have four of them and I love them to pieces.

  11. Kim Quinn says

    Add in scatter legos, assorted action figures, playdough, etc on the floor then walk through. Add in buy every talking toy and noise maker you can find, play repeatedly while driving for more than 2 hours.

  12. Grandma says

    At about age 2 to 5 they begin asking questions and following up your answer with “why?.” I don’t remember my kids doing this but I certainly got an earfull from my grands. And you’re right, Mari, kids are smart so be prepared to answer the why questions with real answers!!

  13. Sean says

    LMAO @ Jon…yep miss goody two shoes, im sure the kids will end up in boarding school 0.0
    thanks for the advice mari ill be sure to submit your name for parent of the year.

    with love <3

  14. Leslie says

    To Mari: I have wonderful kids who knew how to behave in public but they still ripped up the wallpaper in my bathroom because they saw a little corner peeling and they still etched a crude outline of Barney the didnosaur on their brand new pine headboard. They did these things innocently and on those ocassions when they were out of site. You can’t supervise them all the time.

  15. BetMaryland says

    This was great, but forgot a few. Have a tape of a crying baby play at least every hour. Turn that off then squirt the front of your shirt with formula. Throw poop in your garbage can so you can get used to the smell. Try to communicate with a friend when all they can do is smile or cry……you MUST be able to figure out what they are trying to say. Also be prepared to be afraid…..you’ve never been as vulnerable as you will be to the well-being of your child.

  16. says

    Step 12

    - Pick three people (we’ll call them your spouse/partner, your boss, and your babysitter). Ignore everyone else’s phone calls when they come in.

    - Listen to voicemail once a week (unless from one of those three people)

    - return a maximum of 1 out of every 4 missed calls or voicemails (special three get all calls returned unless you see them first).

    - never return a call within less than 24 hours.

    Do this for 30 consecutive days. If you screw up once, start from scratch. If you succeed, you won’t have to worry about setting communications expectations when the baby shows up!

  17. Bev..SngleMomOf2 says

    Mari* im glad u have right to call ppl stupid im sure your kids will do great with sovial skills u taught em. The pb and j comment i believe is about kids bein sticky and touching everything not bout “stupid” parents allowin kids to eat unsupervised n livin room. My oldest child is blind and my youngest is ALL boy ALL the time but he is a , they both r, great respectful kids but kids nonetheless..if your kids arent able to be messy, make messes or run a lil wild while at home i feel truly sorry for them as all kids should b allowed to do so..who straps their kids(under age 8-9) with grown up responsibilities of cleaning..thats YOUR JOB.
    GREAT ARTUCLE VERY TRUE AND EYE OPENING FOR PPL WHO WANT A BABY AND NOT WANT TO BE PARENTS)

  18. Anonymous says

    I’m seriously tired of articles making jokes about parents complaining about how hard it is to raise a child. It’s self righteous. No one said parenthood is easy. You’re not awesome because your “whole life was sacrificed to raise this child.” Not once did I ever hear my mother, or grandmother, complain or jokingly complain about raising kids. If I asked, they were honest. Clear about how hard it is, but made sure to make it clear that it is worth it. I can never see them, or myself, taking time to sit down and think about all the pleasures in life that I can no longer have because I am raising a child. By magnifying these things, instead of learning and growing from them and HELPING other mothers, you’re simply ignoring why they happened and just telling the world “listen to all the crappy things that happen when you’re a mom.”

  19. cara says

    this was hilalrious and sooo true. and as for the comments: WOW!!! People need to relax!!

  20. says

    To practice getting ready for family functions or outings try and get not only yourself showered and dressed, but also a dog or cat as many as how many children you will have. You need to bath them, cloth them, pack a diaper bag, then keep them that way while you get yourself ready. Because heaven knows if you get yourself ready first then by the time you are done getting them ready, you just hav to wash and change yourself all over again. Lol

  21. Penny says

    Our children are our blessings and I don’t feel anyone here is disagreeing with that. Raising children is rewarding and taxing also. Sharing humor about it with others who experience the same has no shame. Live a little and laugh a lot! Get ready for the teenage years. lol. Then a real special time is when they are adults and you can watch them sometimes making choices from the values you taught them. Great reward when it happens. We love our children no matter which stage of life they are in, but we better get ready to laugh at some things and ourselves. Happy Mother’s Day 2012 to all Moms.

  22. Cassie says

    I didn’t find it funny either Mari. Nothing funny about out of control kids and parents.

  23. Courtney says

    I find this hilarious!!! And it’s not glorifying out of control kids! People RELAX!! It’s adding humor to the difficult task of being a parent. Being a mom or dad isn’t easy, and what’s ironic is that being a parent, most the time, can be as funny as this article. I loved this, I laughed so hard I cried!!

  24. Gary says

    Pretty sure that this is written by Dave Barry.
    Surprised at some of the indignant comments. How do people get so indignant about humor pieces?
    Parenthood isn’t quite this hard but if you’ve been a parent and can’t relate to any of this then the other person raising your child was working hard.

  25. Margaret Thatcher says

    This was hilarious, and brought back lots of memories, some of which there are pictures to prove it happened.
    But…….I would do it all over again, IF I were young again. NOT going to happen. So I will just
    enjoy my grandchildren, and cuddle my cat.

  26. Skeletor says

    Ooh, ooh. I have one. Can I play?

    Since you do not yet have children yourself, you likely have several friends who also don’t have children. Figure out which of those friends are not planning on having children at all. Make sure you have the obnoxious noise from Step 3 on at full volume, then call each of these friends. Tell these friends how magical the gift of having children is. This should be done in a tone that is both smug and superior, which may be difficult to pull off given the volume your voice will need to be at to be heard over the terrible noise in the background. Anytime one of your friends makes an excuse to get off the phone, DO NOT LET HER. Eventually, she will likely get frustrated enough to politely tell you that she’s having a hard time hearing you over the noise. Don’t apologize and DON’T let her off the phone. Instead, move closer to the sound of the noise and just start talking louder.

  27. boovazquez says

    hysterical. good humor. if you have a child with special needs, you multiply any of these lessons by 10. Mari, don’t be so annoyed by a commedic piece.

  28. Liz says

    I’m agree with MARY COMMENT,This just annoyed me too . My daughters are excellent not perfect but good. When you are a good parent your children behave not perfect but not like that .

  29. Akru says

    Step 12: Count your blessings that you can even HAVE kids and maybe all the bitching will stop — Cripes, some of us wish we could have the pleasure to experience even 5 minutes of these experiences.

  30. Connie says

    Kids are great….i had two wonderful children and my life would hsve been so drab without them. Now i have two wonderful young adults that i csn relate to on so many levels along with giving and receiving love. Of course, during their childhood we had many ” interesting” experiences but absolutely nothing so nearly horrific as described in thus extreme article. Unfortunately there seems to be more and more of a bias in our society about having children and loving them, thats a shame because without children it would be a terribly dreary world and nit much hope fir the future!

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