Let’s face it: there’s a ‘Before Kids’ mentality and an ‘After Kids’ mentality. Before kids, you have visions of a smiling, happy, easy child that you’ll be able to calm when they cry using nothing but your soothing voice. After kids, you become more in tune with reality and you know that that smiling and happy child exists, you just wonder where they’ve gone when they’re having a meltdown about the fact that you took the peel off the banana.
So now it becomes about survival. What do I need to do to survive this day? Or let’s be honest: survive this hour? And there are some things we never imagined we’d do.
1) Take a kid out in their pjs. Admit it: you’d see a parent with their child out in their pajamas and think “Is it really that hard to get them dressed?” Well, now you know. Yes. Yes it is.
2) Let them use the iPad for an extended period of time. Your child won’t tell anyone they watched 2 hours of toy unwrapping. We won’t either.
3) Forget to bring a diaper. It happens. Don’t worry, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last person who forgot a diaper and then had their child poop. Good luck with that one.
4) Let them eat junk food as a meal. Because some days, ice-cream is just the easiest and quietest meal to serve kids.
5) Pick up a child and take a whiff of their butt. What else is there to do? Ask the toddler if they pooped? Yeah, I’d like to see you try that one. Butt smelling is just the easiest and quickest way to figure out the game plan.
6) Pick food off the floor and give it to them to eat. Either I’m exhausted from preparing it, or I’m exhausted period. So you drop it, you eat it buddy. Anyway, a few germs help to build your immune system!
7) Take a snotty nosed kid out to a public place. When you have one child, it’s easy to stay at home when they’re sick. You even cancel playdates because of a little mucus. Add siblings to the mix, and you just know you can’t possibly stay in for days. It’s just a runny nose, no big deal! Let’s go kids, park time!
8) Grab a snack off the shelf in a grocery store to calm down a crazy child. None of us want to do it, but like I said, this is about survival. You’re in a grocery store and that whining or tantrum is driving you crazy but you just. need. groceries. So you do what any good person would do- you grab the first ‘child silencer’ you can find, and ultimately, you end up taking a half eaten packet to the cashier, apologizing and asking them to scan it.
9) Let your child dress themself because you can’t handle one more fight. That kid standing in the glaring heat in a wool Spiderman hat and gloves? Yep, that’s my kid! Is it really worth fighting over? So, your child wants to go out in a shirt that’s 3 sizes too small, or prints that scarily don’t match. So what?!
10) Use bribery to get your child to do something. Yes, we all know it’s not what you’re supposed to do, but boy will those kids clean faster if they know there are brownies waiting for them when they’re done. 😉