The 2014 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book: A Peasant’s Commentary

Warning: This article is part of “The Edge” series and may not appeal to those without a sense of humor or those who are completely opposed to any and all swear words. :)

Nothing puts the Jesus Christ in Christmas quite like the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book. My mom and I have a yearly ritual of thumbing through this catalog, with wine of course (duh), simultaneously making fun of and also coveting some of the over-the-top indulgence that is Neiman Marcus. From over the top fashion and toys, to a ridiculous compilation of “fantasy” gifts, Neiman Marcus never fails to amuse, horrify, and intrigue me with their gifts for the 1%.

My sister and I chose a few of our favorites (although it was very difficult to narrow down) and provided you with more affordable peasant folk alternatives below.

 

Brunello Cucinelli dyed mink backpack, $7,380

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You can have this ugly-ass fur backpack made of mink to carry your fancy stuff in for only $7,380. A real bargain if you ask me. Watch out for people from PETA carrying paint cans, though. Oh, but you can probably just have Rosalita make you a new one when you let her out of the basement. Also useful for hauling dead rodents since they will feel right at home.

 

The Peasant’s Alternative:

Camo NRA ‘Merica backpack, $4.99

nra backpack

Well, it’s not fur and it’s not fancy, but it will piss off the same group of people, methinks. Consequently, I’d pay cash money to watch someone walk around with this at a fancy ski resort.

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Wireless Gold Beats by Dr. Dre, $700

gold beats

Because the $199 white ones from Target are just so pedestrian.

 

The Peasant’s Alternative:

Labtec black plastic with extra long tangled cord, $-2.00

headphones

Yes, you read that right, I’ll pay YOU to take these. They live in the basket of death by my refrigerator. The basket of death contains expired grocery coupons, broken toys, batteries (who knows if they work, it’s a surprise!), and mystery items found in the floor that might “go to something” we find later. (Missing ear foam thingys not included).

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Eugenia Kim rabbit hair hat, $315

Eugenia-KimThis is a hat for adults (I’m assuming since it was not in the kid’s section). It’s also available in leopard print. I can’t imagine wearing this for anything except maybe Halloween when I dress up like Grumpy Cat.

 

The Peasant’s Alternative:

The faux fur deer antler hunting hat, $1.99

fauxdeerhat

 

Tell me this isn’t the best hunting hat you’ve ever seen. It has fur AND antlers. I made this by cutting holes in an old hat and shoving some Christmas reindeer antlers up in there. I’m so crafty. I think I’ll start a Pinterest board for animal hats.

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Mercedes Benz M-Klasse Convertible $495

mercedes

For those parents raising classy assholes. As a side note, I saw a white Mercedes car at Target for $199. But how can Chandler Howard Fancypants Warwick III possibly drive around in something from Target??? It would be a disgrace to the family.

 

The Peasant’s Alternative:

2011 Yellow Camaro (with hood missing), $19.99

camero

Beer and cowboy hat not included. Shoes optional. Yes, I’m in the street with a beer in a kid’s car. At 12:30 in the afternoon.

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Fendi dyed fox “Monster” Charm $700

fendi

Because all good style starts with a decapitated monster made of fur on your purse. I see this getting dunked in the toilet with my purse strap at Applebee’s while I’m taking 2 kids to the crapper. Additionally, I don’t think this charm is made for people who eat at Applebee’s and carry knock-off purses. The purse that goes with the monster head is $4,250. Jesus Christ, indeed.

 

The Peasant’s Alternative:

Plastic mystery brand purse with murdered Barbie, $9.99

 barbie

So glad I finally found a use for all the murdered Barbie dolls in my basement. #recycling

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Monique Lhuillier Embroidered Lace Mermaid Gown, $9,995

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This dress is f*ing gorgeous, no doubt. If I spent this kind of money on a dress, you’d see my ass grocery shopping in it every week. Yep that’s me-the chick in a $10,000 dress eating chips in aisle 3. Actually, if I had $10,000 lying around you could probably find me in Amsterdam on a drug binge.

 

The Peasant’s Alternative:

Purple sequin vintage dress circa 1990, $FREE

mandy

This dress is sort of same thing, right? RIGHT? It’s mermaid-ish. Hey, you can’t beat the price. And no, it’s not zipped in the back. Shut up. I’ll even throw in the purple stripper shoes. Class, class, class for your holiday party.

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WOW Fantasy Gift: Tanqueray No. Ten Imperial Shaker by Jason Crawley, $35,000

 NMH7M42_mx

This thing is 6 feet tall and comes with a year’s supply of Tanqueray. Somehow I feel like their definition of a year’s supply is different than mine. Meaning less than mine. I think it looks like a chandelier in this picture. This gives so many new meanings to the words “hanging from the chandelier” that my head almost explodes.

 

The Peasant’s Alternative

Left over beer pyramid from Mandy’s basement fridge, $20.00

mandybeer

I have thrown in the empty boxes for free and I’ll even come to your house to assemble it.

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WOW Fantasy Gift, Preston Bailey Large Outdoor Garden Peacock, $65,000

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If this one is too pricey, you can get the indoor silk flower version for a measly $25,000. I mean, if you can’t keep up with other rich folk then maybe you should just go to Lowe’s and buy some ferns like the rest of the poor people.

 

The Peasant’s Alternative

“Turkecock” bush bird, $10.00

turkecock

Turkey+Peacock=Turkecock

Another Pinterest Board: yard decorations with sexual innuendo.

For some reason, the $50 popcorn tin now seems totally reasonable.

Happy Holidays to all my fellow peasants. May your fridges be full of beer pyramids, your bushes full of mutant birds, and your driveways full of rednecks in yellow Camaros.

 

Photo Credits: Neiman Marcus and Mandy

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2 Comments on "The 2014 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book: A Peasant’s Commentary"

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Courtney
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i loved this!

Beth Arnold
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funny stuff

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