Dear Chain Smoking Mom…..

Dear Charlie (is it ok if I call you Chaz?),

Where do I begin?

Let’s start with the basics: You smoked over 3,000 cigarettes during the nine months you were pregnant with your daughter Lily, claiming it was “making her heart stronger by making it work harder.”

It begs me to ask, “Have you been drinking from the crazy fountain?” I mean, you’re making all those “Teen Moms” look like June Cleaver over here.

I don’t know, maybe you are onto something: This whole making your baby stronger stuff. Because we all know how “strong” hearts get when they have to work harder. Just ask Chris Farley, John Belushi, and John Candy. Oh wait, you can’t- BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD.

Oh, and then there’s the part about how you said how much you love smoking and you weren’t ready to give it up. You know what? There’s a lot of things I wasn’t ready to give up either: Like sleep, my waistline, and going to the bathroom alone. But guess what? WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD.

Sorry about the all caps, I don’t mean to yell, I just want to make sure that the two brain cells you have left (who are obviously fighting) are processing what I’m trying to tell you right now.

I get that quitting smoking is stressful. And sure, stress isn’t good for pregnancy. But just in case you hadn’t heard, smoking during pregnancy causes low birth weight, prematurity, cleft palette, asthma, and it could even alter your baby’s DNA so much that your future grandchildren will be affected by your behavior. Talk about stress!

There’s just one thing I need you to clarify though. When you told BBC3, “It’s making the baby use its heart on its own in the first place, so that when it comes out, it’s going to be able to do them [sic] things by itself,” I’m not gonna lie: I was a little confused.

What exactly are them things? Things like making its heart beat, breathing, and living? Because I hate to break it to you girlfriend, but babies do them things involuntarily (that means they do them all by themselves).

Finally, your story makes my heart break for all the women out there who can’t have children. This might be an outrageous thought, but you don’t deserve the gift of motherhood. There are countless women out there dying to become mothers, who would take every precaution necessary to protect their unborn children, and who are probably sick at the thought of the unnecessary risks you took during pregnancy. I know I am.

I’m not a praying person, but I think I will make an exception for you. I pray that your precious baby girl won’t suffer from your poor choices, I pray that you will learn from your mistakes and publicly express remorse so that the other smoking pregnant women in this world might be inspired to give it up. Lastly, I pray that you get the help you need because it’s obvious that your mental health has taken a serious beating.

Oh, and I’m also crossing my fingers that your ignorance isn’t hereditary. We certainly don’t need any more of that in this world.

Love,

Me

*In case you are not familiar with the UK woman who this letter is intended for-  here’s the story from Daily Mail Online.