I realize that Christmas is over. While I love the season and all that comes with it, I am secretly glad that magical day has finally past. Whew! Tree taken down – check. Ornaments carefully wrapped and tucked away – check. Christmas lights removed and neatly wound in preparation of next year – check (well, maybe not neatly wound, but at least they’re down!).
One would think that now that all the hustle and bustle is done, you could relax. One would also have to be a non-parent to think that! Anyone who has children knows that the “wonderful” toys that your children receive from friends and family members tend to hang around long after the festivities are over. With this in mind, why do people buy my kids the loudest/messiest/most obnoxious toys they can find?! What did I do to deserve this torture? Do they secretly hate me? I mean come on people. Have a heart. I beg of you!
OK. Maybe they just don’t realize the immense amount of mental anguish associated with these items. Sure – I understand that you love my children and you want to get them the newest, greatest toys out there. Just please THINK IT THROUGH!
The worst part of it is that I have even bought some of these things for my own children. Unbeknownst to me, many ended up being huge mistakes. So moms out there, take it from me. I have learned my lesson through trial and error and am hoping that this tirade will deter you from making the same mistakes I have. Keep these toys in mind for any upcoming birthday parties – they are a NO NO…..unless you intentionally want the parents to hold a secret grudge against you for all of eternity. What follows is a listing straight from the corner of my closet where bad toys go to die.
The Worst Toys I Have EVER Bought for My Children………..
1. Silly String
Yes it is fun. Yes it is cheap. Yes it is extremely enticing for any child……..But just say no. This stuff not only makes a huge mess (both indoors and out), it also stains nearly EVERYTHING. Case in point – huge green stain permanently affixed to the ceiling in Big Bud’s bedroom. Kilz can’t touch it. Believe me; I’ve tried (several coats).
Create your own awesome bead designs just by adding water! Oh how I rue the day Santa dropped this package off under my Christmas tree. The concept of Pixos is good. The execution is bad…very bad! Just ask my Dyson. It will tell you it’s tired of eating Pixos that have mysteriously appeared in every fiber of my carpet. I can’t seem to understand how they ended up in every single room of my house. Maybe they procreate when the lights go out?
I have no idea why I bought these. It must have been the post-baby hormones coursing through my veins. I plead temporary insanity. They don’t really do anything except look like colored boogers. Seeing as how the manufacturer warns that they are toxic and shouldn’t be ingested, that’s probably not a good thing. Oh yeah, I forgot – they also do another great trick…..they get moldy after awhile. Plus if the container ever gets dropped, these little pellets go bouncing all over the place. Maybe they are the secret love child of those procreating Pixos?
4. Voice Changer Toy
Big Bud now wants to grow up and be a ventriloquist, thanks to this toy – sigh. He has a fascination with “throwing” his voice, courtesy of the wondrous Multi Voice Changer from Toysmith. Hearing your child sound like a robot is funny at first, annoying later, and just plain bizarre after 3 months.
5. Talking Ernie
May I start out by saying that I adore Sesame Street (The Show) and grew up watching it on TV? What follows in no way diminishes my adoration of Ernie in the least. But this thing is seriously possessed. Don’t believe me? You try being woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of some weirdo saying “Hello Bert” on the baby monitor.
The Worst Toys Ever Given to My Children………..
1. Moon Dough
I realize some people have no problem with this goop. I am not one of those people. Why is this stuff even called Dough? I am going to give Big Bud a bag of sand to throw all over the floor next time. It would be cheaper and probably even cleaner. Just ask Hollie……..(Moon Dough, We are Not Friends)
2. Rubber Band Gun
What genius thought that mixing a gun with a rubber band (neither one great ideas for youngsters) was a good idea? This gives new meaning to “you’ll shoot your eye out”. How about “you’ll shoot your little brother in the back/ break my favorite vase/ knock a picture off the wall all in one shot”? That’s about how long this thing lived….one shot.
3. Toy Harmonica
Children don’t realize that they don’t need to blow as hard as they can for as long as possible. Either that or they just don’t care because they just like making all that noise. If you think that’s bad, just wait until they do that after they have sat down with it in their back pocket and it gets all bent up. It’s even more annoying when the notes are out of tune.
4. Blow Up Ball Pit
Remember how much fun you had raking up a big pile of leaves, just to jump into it and mess it all up? The same scenario applies here. Example….mom and dad spend forever using all of their hot air to blow this thing up. They painstakingly gather all the balls into the pit. Child takes running start and does a flying cannon ball into pit. Balls go flying in every direction imaginable. Pit deflates. Child cries. Now repeat 7 times and you will feel my pain.
5. Child’s Drum Set
I can’t even fathom why a toy company would make one of these things. I don’t know. Maybe other people’s kids have more rhythm than mine. My brother could have saved the money and given him a bunch of metal pots and pans to bang on. I guarantee it sounds the same, only it would be quieter. This “fun” toy should have come with a complimentary mega-sized box of Excedrin, or at least a pair of earplugs.
6. Any Loud Toy Without Volume Control
Because preschoolers love repetition and will inevitably learn how to work the on/off switch. I don’t think this one really needs an explanation though. Anyone with a Chicken-Dance Elmo should be able to back me up. I have, however, come up with a personal fix for this problem – duct tape over the speaker. I realize that it may seem kind of redneck to some people, but hey – I’m from Kentucky and that’s just how we roll.
Now that I’ve come clean, let’s hear your thoughts! What is the worst toy ever given to your kids?