How To Get Your Child Ready For School (In 50 Simple Steps)
- Put out their clothes the night before. You are awesome!
- Set your alarm extra early. You’d hate for your kid to be late for school.
- Get to sleep at a reasonable time. You’re going to need a good night sleep to whip up a wholesome breakfast tomorrow morning.
- Roll over to turn off your blaring alarm that you’ve slept through.
- Go wake up your toddl- just kidding. They’re already awake.
- Even though they can sort of dress themselves, you still need to get his arm holes in the right spots.
- Chase him around the house trying to put his underwear on.
- Give a boo-boo kiss when he runs into the bedroom door knob, face first.
- Find Daddy to also give a boo-boo kiss. That one’s going to leave a mark.
- Calm him down by distraction, wiggle those kicking legs into the underwear.
- Help him pull down his underwear as he needs to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW.
- Wash his hands, give him his toothbrush, put toothpaste on…
- Toddler gags on the natural strawberry toothpaste. Find the neon blue Ninja Turtle toothpaste.
- Wipe off his face that is now stained neon blue.
- Check your watch. Wait… how have 20 minutes gone by already?
- Find some clean-ish clothes on the floor. Put them on.
- Brush teeth, brush hair. Messy bun, sweep of mascara. Good to go.
- Head to the kitchen. Pour toddler a big glass of milk. Turn on Paw Patrol.
- Check the oven clock. Shit. What time does he need to be at school again??
- Nix the waffles from scratch. Who has that kind of time anyway?
- Rummage through the cabinets. Find a box of cereal that isn’t stale.
- Pour bowl of cereal for toddler. Set it up at kitchen table.
- Beg toddler to come sit at the kitchen table.
- Ignore tantrum. Turn off Paw Patrol.
- Ignore tantrum.
- Turn on coffee maker. Get that liquid gold going as soon as possible.
- Concede with toddler. Turn on Paw Patrol.
- Allow him to eat his cereal on the kitchen floor… where he can still see the TV.
- Check toddler’s backpack. Empty folder.
- Oh, crap. The Scholastic book order is due today.
- Rummage through junk drawer to find a blank check.
- Fill out form. Order Paw Patrol book.
- Find note from teacher. They also need a family picture today? Seriously?!
- Rummage through junk drawer. No photos in here.
- Spend the next ten minutes looking for a family photo. Contemplate who even prints photos anymore. Not this family.
- Pop one out of a frame and put it back in the folder.
- Clean up cereal from the kitchen floor.
- Turn off Paw Patrol.
- Ignore tantrum.
- Locate a matching pair of sneakers.
- Bribe toddler to sit by the front door with fruit snacks.
- Wiggle the sneakers on. It’s a miracle!
- The coffee!! That was a close one. Pour a travel mug and hope it’s still hot.
- Grab toddler’s backpack. Locate purse.
- Look down. Where are MY shoes…?
- Find a matching pair of flip flops.
- Check watch. Damn, mama. You’re getting good at this. One minute to spare.
- Take a photo of toddler ready for school. Biiiiig smile!
- Post to Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. Look like you’ve got this ish under control.
- Get in the car and drive away. Another day, another drop off.
