How To Tell I Just Had A Baby

Not that I need to be told these things to be reminded, but here’s how to tell that I’ve recently added someone new to my family (I bet if you look closely, you’d be able to see some of these signs in other worn down looking women and make a pretty good guess they just became mothers as well!):

 

came out of what just had a baby

My body is achy and swollen in unmentionable places.

I just had a baby.

 

Sorry, Nurse Lisa, for you having to check my pee levels and help me off the toilet. I’m sorry you had to see that.

I just had a baby.

 

This bowel movement might be more terrifying than actual laboring and delivering. Or being chased by a serial killer. Or telling a toddler it’s time for bed.

I just had a baby.

 

Am I birthing another child? That blood clot was huge.

I just had a baby.

 

My nipples are bleeding. And you know what set it off this time? The water from the shower hitting them too directly.

I just had a baby.

 

Speaking of boobs: I am now at porn star status. Time to bra shop, again.

I just had a baby.

 

But no husband, please don’t touch them. Unless you like causing me pain while also getting squirted in the eye with breast milk.

I just had a baby.

 

Where was I for the last 20 minutes? In the bathroom. No, I wasn’t playing on my phone and hiding out. I really do need that long to take care of business now. Expect this for the next 4-6 weeks because

I just had a baby.

 

Don’t mind me, Jiffy Lube guy. Your having forgotten about me waiting for my car for the past half hour just set off my hormonal flow of tears that I can’t stop, no matter how uncomfortable we are both feeling right now.

I just had a baby.

 

Every night, I am up in a puddle of sweat. When I say a puddle, I mean it. I’d be surprised if my mattress isn’t ruined. Careful where you roll, husband.

I just had a baby.

 

Thanks to this giant pad, I now know what it’s like to have diaper rash.

I just had a baby.

 

Here comes the unsolicited advice from strangers about breastfeeding and sleep schedules and what to do with my older child so she won’t throw so many tantrums. Apparently, everyone is an expert, since

I just had a baby.

 

Which makeup will cover these eye bags and dark circles the best? Oh who am I kidding, I’m not putting on pants today, let alone makeup!

I just had a baby.

 

Sorry I’m late. Apparently, no amount of planning can get my children and I out the door in a timely manner. I blame it on the fact that

I just had a baby.

 

What’s that, my toddler child? You want pretzels and a show again? Sure.

I just had a baby.

 

I peed myself four times today.

I just had a baby.

 

No, Susan, I can’t watch your kids for you while you run an errand.

I just had a baby!

 

Of course I didn’t “sleep well” last night.

I just had a baby.

 

I’m sorry, girlfriends, I have to cut our date short. My boobs feel like they are about to explode all over our meal because

I just had a baby.

 

Thank goodness for the doctor recommended excuse of no sex for at least 6 weeks. Because I’m pretty sure the “goods” are a war zone right now, since

I just had a baby.

 

Why is my toe wet? Oh, I’m leaking through my bra and my shirt.

I just had a baby.

 

How long have I been staring at my sleeping infant? I need to be productive. But oh, that sweet face! I’ll stay a little longer. Which is okay, because

I just had a baby.

 

I’ve never been so happy, and so emotional, at a drop of the hat before.

I just had a baby.

 

My heart may explode with love every time I see my toddler kiss my baby’s head. That’d be a good way to die, I think.

I just had a baby.

sleepless just had a baby

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Heather lives with her husband, daughter and son and has learned to accept that Utah is now her permanent home. Before becoming a stay at home mom, she taught elementary school and loves to use that background to create fun activities to entertain her children. Though staying home with the kids is great, Heather has always enjoyed finding more ways she can keep herself sane, including elaborate cross stitch designs and playing with any puppy she can find. She particularly loves to read and write and prides herself in always remaining honest in her posts about life as a wife and mother, even when the truth is sometimes embarrassing.

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5 Comments on "How To Tell I Just Had A Baby"

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Brianne
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This is hilarious! I needed this today!

Fadra
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This is why I only had ONE baby!

Melissa @ The Staten Island Family
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This needs to be REQUIRED reading for every new mom who JUST HAD A BABY!! LOVE!!

Vera Sweeney
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Everything about this — yes!

Bryce
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beautiful!!! all the sweet, lovey emotions come pouring out <3

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