Let me start off by saying that I really used to love you. You and I have been together for months now, and it’s been great. Your low price and dependability just couldn’t be beat, especially when I could get 180 of you through Amazon Mom for $25.97. I sung your praises to the heavens on those months where I snatched up an extra 20% off coupon in my favorite parenting magazine, making you an unheard of $18.55. I mean, come on – $.10 for each and every one of you was just too good to pass up! You traveled through the mail in record 2 day time and were eagerly waiting for me at my back door when I got home from work. I didn’t even need to clip any coupons to entice you to jump into my shopping cart.
I bragged about your great deal to all of the other mommies at daycare. We all agreed that we shouldn’t have to pay more for other wanna-be diapers when our kiddos were only using you for their daily dirty work. You delighted me with your capabilities. Little Bud stayed dry and happy all night long so I couldn’t complain. We loved your Blues Clues fashions and stretchy sides. You really did do a magnificent job.
Now that I have buttered you up with compliments, I will get down to the real reason for my letter. I went online a few weeks ago and made my usual purchase of you through Amazon. As always, Little Bud and I eagerly awaited your arrival. When you showed up, I first noticed that your packaging had changed. Your box said you now had increased absorbency. I was astonished. How could you be any better than you already were?
Upon opening your box, I immediately saw that you had undergone a makeover. I can’t say I was really thrilled with your new look. A purple monkey!? But I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt – to each his own after all. I was initially impressed at how much thinner you looked! You have definitely lost some weight. However, your overall size hadn’t seemed to change, so you still covered all of Little Bud’s important parts.
Your overall quality has seemed to diminish this go around. Your tabs have gotten papery thin and don’t seem to want to stretch as much as they used to. Definitely not a great thing for Little Bud’s ample thighs. That first night since the new you made its appearance, you failed me miserably. Not only did you not absorb the pee, you got all huge and smooshy. I was awoken by the sound a squalling baby who was wet from chin to belly button – thanks for that.
Of course I was angry! You have never treated me like this before. Did I do something wrong? I realize now that I should not have cursed you so soon. I think maybe you took offense to that and now have stopped working at all. I thought that maybe a different venue would toughen you back up. So off I sent you to daycare with the understanding that Little Bud only needed you to remain faithful throughout the day – no more nightshift for you! Apparently you weren’t happy with that arrangement either. I became convinced of it after carting home bags of poopy clothes on 3 consecutive days.
It pains me so much to admit that maybe you are loosing your touch. I want to still love you, but you have changed for the worse. I don’t want to be a diaper snob, but I will admit that I had to cheat on you with that guy Pampers down the street. He was there for me when you let me down. I have come to count on him so much over the last couple of weeks that I am going to just put it out there – I want a diaper divorce. It saddens me to no end to have to leave you, but I need someone that I can count on. Call me when you get yourself together and maybe I will consider taking you back.
A Mourning Mom, Former Luvs Pee-H-D