You know the panic you feel when you wake up late and realize you only have 10 minutes to get ready in order to be at work on time? And you have to take the fastest shower of your life (no time to let it warm up), forget the makeup, and grab what might have been yesterday’s dirty shirt just to get out of there fast enough? Hopefully this doesn’t happen to you often, but I bet all of us have been there, done that. Those showers are the worst.
And that urgent, panicked, altogether horrible feeling you have while you wash yourself as fast as humanly possible? Well, when you enter mommy-hood, that’s pretty much what you can expect almost every shower to feel like.
As long as you’ve got a newborn baby, or toddlers, or any inquisitive child with no boundaries and a knack for destroying the house, your long, warm showers become few and far between. Us parents are lucky to have 5 minutes in order to finally address our own hygiene. But we’re moms, which means we are amazing, and we have learned to adapt to, and even master, the 5-minute mom shower! It looks a little something like this:
Start with the prep:
~Put on a show for the kids to entertain them while you’re in the next room.
~Give them a snack so that, again, they are distracted and now fed. Even though you made sure it’s not something they might choke on while you’re in the shower, you’ll still have this fear hanging over you the entire 5 minutes that you’re gone.
~Turn on water while you get undressed and almost step into the shower when you hear fighting and yells of, “MOM!” coming from downstairs. Turn off water (don’t know how long this delay will take). Naked, poke your head out while only mildly concealing your mom bod.
~No surprise, the kids are fighting for some stupid reason again. Yell at them and then return to the bathroom where finally, maybe finally, you’re ready to actually begin.
Minute 1: Turn on shower. Suck it up, because there’s no time to let it get warm. Simultaneously begin wetting your hair, grabbing your razor, and dancing around because that water is still so freaking cold.
Minute 2: Dump way too much shampoo onto your head. Just as the soapy water begins running down to your eyes, pause—the baby is awake and screaming. Jump out, dripping all over the place, grab the monitor. Nope, still sleeping. You’re crazy!
Minute 3: Time to multitask. Rinse the shampoo while shaving either your armpits or legs. There’s no time to do both so choose which one you care about more. The stubbly pits might show depending on your shirt but the stubbly legs might scratch your hubby during sexy time later so… it’s a toss up. Maybe you can dry shave the pits when the kids go to bed or something (yay for inflamed ingrown hairs!).
Minute 4: Is that the baby again? …Long pause….
But you’re not getting out this time because the water is finally warm and you’re probably still just crazy.
Minute 5: Address the most important area, the area that you cannot forget unless you’d like to remain stanky for your possible 5-minute quickie later today: the crotch/butt. This deserves a whole minute to itself.
And that’s it! Times up because the kids are fighting again, the baby did actually wake up this time, and your engorged boobs have let down the milk flood.
…Realize you forgot the conditioner.
…Realize you forgot to shave the other pit.
…Realize you don’t give a F***
Some tips for mastering these 5-minute mom showers:
Have 2 towels handy: one for your body and one to twist your hair up. Make sure they’re comfy because you’ll probably be stuck in them for the following hour (or two) after the shower as you attend to all your kids’ “urgent” needs.
If you’re worried about leaving the kids unattended, and since privacy isn’t a thing for mothers anyways, just let the kids come into the bathroom with you while you shower. Yeah, it’ll make a sucky shower even crappier since bathrooms echo and your kids play/fight/exist loudly, but at least you’ll know they aren’t choking in the other room!
Ladies, don’t forget that while your husband appreciates when you remember to shave both legs and wash your downstairs, he will love you no matter what. There will be many days when even a 5-minute shower seems impossible. Know that you’re still a smokin’ hot babe under all the grime of mommydom!