We are parents. Even though our days are filled with work and kids, tantrums and sticky floors, we’re still insanely attracted to our spouses and deserve some sexy time to reconnect. But because we are parents, gone are the days of delicate candle mood lighting, playing of the perfect music, 30-minute foreplay and multiple positions all in one night. Unless you schedule that shiz out, most of what you’re getting is late night tired sex or the random quickie while the kids are distracted/napping.
Since this is just a fact of life, here are some tips to master the 5-minute intimate moments (AKA quickies):
Start with the prep:
~ Get in the mood long before you’re able to be together by imagining what you’d like to do to your spouse. You know, things you’d be able to focus on if the kids weren’t screaming, the house wasn’t a mess, and you didn’t just wipe a butt (not your own). Just forget about your day-old crotch and instead, convince yourself that you smell like cucumber-melon, straight from the shower.
~ Send a few dirty memes back and forth throughout the day to “set the mood.” Here are a few suggestions:
Once the hubby is home, it’s game time. Set the clock for 5 minutes, because that’s all you’re gunna get before the baby inevitably wakes up or the kids come bursting through the door, asking why you’re hugging daddy over and over.
Minute 1: Turn on an episode of something (I recommend Peppa Pig—easy to love, but easy to turn off without a tantrum later, too). Turn the volume up, throw gummies at your kids, and lead your man to the bedroom. Not by the hand.
Minute 2: Undressing as you walk to your hiding spot will save time, but not completely necessary. All you really need to unclothe are the basics, and already being in a skirt will help.
Kiss, kiss, and kiss…
Minute 3: Pause, because for a second it sounded like a kid crashed something and you’re wondering if anyone is dying.
Minute 3 ½: Resume.
No fancy tricks, no time for foreplay. Get the lube and get going!
Minute 4: Now’s not the time to get creative with positions. Get in, get out, kiss one more time, and then clean up.
Minute 5: The cuddling will have to wait for later during pillow talk. Re-clothe the sensitive areas and you’re good to go.
Congratulations—you just completed the 5-minute intimate moment that will get you through the rest of the day, to that beloved bedtime.
Some tips for mastering these 5-minute quickies:
If you can manage to get a condom on fairly fast, this will help later during clean up.
Make a habit of keeping baby wipes all over the house. That way, no matter where you’re able to escape to for 5 minutes, you’ll have something to clean up with!
Ladies, don’t forget to head straight for the bathroom to pee so you avoid a UTI. I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to get a UTI, it had better be after some amazing sex that lasted longer than just 5 minutes in our closet.