Something about writing to other women, other parents, helps me get through the hard days. I wrote when my Mirena IUD perforated my uterus at 6 weeks post partum and I had to have emergency surgery, when we found out my son had lip tie and that that’s what was causing my intense breastfeeding pain, and here I am again. Writing to you about my miscarriage last night. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I am here.
Having had two healthy and wonderful children, we found out two weeks ago that I was pregnant with baby number 3. It was a shock, but a welcome one, and we started imagining a sibling for the older two to play with and nurture, as my daughter has been begging for a baby sister. She’s almost a mommy herself, she takes care of me pretty well.
We decided not to tell our parents just yet, as we wanted to do a cute birth announcement. Our families do not live close by, so keeping the secret was pretty easy. I had ordered a “Soon-to-be Big Brother!” shirt for my son and was just waiting for it to arrive. From the timing of the first day of my last period, I was 7 weeks along, so it was still very early. But I did tell my three closest girlfriends who live within minutes of my house, and I even remember saying that I felt it was so important to tell someone incase, God forbid, anything bad was to happen, I would need their help. How important those words now seem.
On Wednesday night, at 8.5 weeks, I started spotting, and thought nothing of it as I had experienced spotting with my previous pregnancies. On Thursday I woke up to heavier bleeding like a period, and some abdominal and back pain. My friend came over to watch the kids and I went straight to the doctor who scheduled me for an ultrasound and a blood test. I sat in the blood test weeping, convinced I was losing my baby. When I lay down for the ultrasound, I had lost hope. A normal ultrasound showed nothing, but, by some miracle, the internal ultrasound showed my tiny baby, with a flashing heartbeat. We breathed a sigh of relief, while the ultrasound technician kept saying that the baby was too small. It did not measure up to my last period and was “too small”- I keep hearing those words. She was so concerned. Regardless, she handed me a photo and my doctor said I must stay in bed and drink plenty of water.
My husband was wonderful and kept the children out as much as possible. I was at home sleeping, drinking and eating. But I kept bleeding, it was like a normal period, so I would google the internet for possibilities of what it could be. An ectopic pregnancy perhaps? Just a part of my pregnancy? Many women had posted about bleeding and having healthy children. But in my heart, I felt that the baby was not going to make it. I cried, I talked to God and to my baby, as I felt it could not possibly make it through all this bleeding.
On Saturday evening, my husband brought the kids home and I sat down to eat some food they had brought me. Suddenly, I started to feel pain in my abdomen and two gushes of blood pass down. I went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed a large clot with some sort of tissue and I called my husband in. I remember crying and saying “This is not right. I think I’m having a miscarriage.” That’s when the contractions started, and that’s really why I’m writing this post. I never, ever knew that miscarriages involve labor type pains. I’ve had two kids, and I know what labor feels like. The contraction would come, I would cry for the pain, for my baby, for what was going on, and then it would leave. My husband called our friend and she was at our house within minutes to watch the kids while we went to the emergency room. I tried to hide my tears, but my daughter is so sensitive and kept asking me why my tummy was hurting (we had also not told her about the pregnancy) and I just told her I would be fine.
The staff at the emergency room were absolutely wonderful and very sensitive to our situation. A friend of mine said during her miscarriage, the doctor was very unsympathetic, which is the worst thing I can possibly imagine. The contractions continued to come and go, and my husband, although trying to help me through, looked so panicked as to what was happening to me. We had no clue about what this experience entailed. I was put in a private room for another vaginal ultrasound and blood test. I asked the ultrasound technician if she would tell me when she sees the baby, and that’s the moment I will probably remember for the rest of my life- the hesitation, and the “I don’t see it, I’m afraid.”
I guess you never forget that moment when you’re told. Everything stops. Everything. Except the tears.
By this time my contractions had also stopped. I remember the technician saying she had seen my ultrasound from Thursday and that the baby seemed “too small” and was most likely not growing normally and this was “nature’s way of dealing with it.” She was a sweet lady who was trying to comfort me, but no words felt comforting.
My bleeding continued. I was told it would for a few days, but to see my doctor as I had already planned to on Monday, and to get plenty of rest. Then we were discharged. Just like that, my baby left me.
That was it. Yesterday I was pregnant and today I’m not.
I’m hurting in a way that I can’t put into words. I believe that my little baby is up there in a much better place than this world could ever offer. I believe we will meet. I am eternally grateful for the two wonderful children I came home to with their smiling faces and cries of “Mama!” But I know I will always think of my unborn little one.
I don’t know what the right words are to say to someone who has been through this experience, but I know that letting them grieve is important. Yes, we only knew about it for a short time, yes, we never physically touched the baby, but I carried it, and it was part of me. The pain is there, it’s real and it hurts so much.
If you know someone who is going through this, please make sure they have help with the house, food and the kids, because it is physically painful as well as emotionally. My lower abdomen is still quite painful. Hollie posted about it on the Baby Gizmo Facebook page, and some amazing women gave wonderful words of comfort- if you are going through this, it may help to read their comments here.
Finally, I know that many women and couples choose not to announce their pregnancy incase of a loss. But I stand by the words I previously stated- at least tell some people who live close by and that can help you just incase anything does happen. At times like this, you need the love, comfort and help of others to get through the hard times. <3
Have you experienced a miscarriage? Leave us a comment below and help ease another mother’s pain.