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My Miscarriage Experience

Something about writing to other women, other parents, helps me get through the hard days. I wrote when my Mirena IUD perforated my uterus at 6 weeks post partum and I had to have emergency surgery, when we found out my son had lip tie and that that’s what was causing my intense breastfeeding pain, and here I am again. Writing to you about my miscarriage last night. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I am here.

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Photo source: www.bamary.com

Having had two healthy and wonderful children, we found out two weeks ago that I was pregnant with baby number 3. It was a shock, but a welcome one, and we started imagining a sibling for the older two to play with and nurture, as my daughter has been begging for a baby sister. She’s almost a mommy herself, she takes care of me pretty well.

We decided not to tell our parents just yet, as we wanted to do a cute birth announcement. Our families do not live close by, so keeping the secret was pretty easy. I had ordered a “Soon-to-be Big Brother!” shirt for my son and was just waiting for it to arrive.  From the timing of the first day of my last period, I was 7 weeks along, so it was still very early. But I did tell my three closest girlfriends who live within minutes of my house, and I even remember saying that I felt it was so important to tell someone incase, God forbid, anything bad was to happen, I would need their help. How important those words now seem.

On Wednesday night, at 8.5 weeks, I started spotting, and thought nothing of it as I had experienced spotting with my previous pregnancies. On Thursday I woke up to heavier bleeding like a period, and some abdominal and back pain. My friend came over to watch the kids and I went straight to the doctor who scheduled me for an ultrasound and a blood test. I sat in the blood test weeping, convinced I was losing my baby. When I lay down for the ultrasound, I had lost hope. A normal ultrasound showed nothing, but, by some miracle, the internal ultrasound showed my tiny baby, with a flashing heartbeat. We breathed a sigh of relief, while the ultrasound technician kept saying that the baby was too small. It did not measure up to my last period and was “too small”- I keep hearing those words. She was so concerned. Regardless, she handed me a photo and my doctor said I must stay in bed and drink plenty of water.

My husband was wonderful and kept the children out as much as possible. I was at home sleeping, drinking and eating. But I kept bleeding, it was like a normal period, so I would google the internet for possibilities of what it could be. An ectopic pregnancy perhaps? Just a part of my pregnancy? Many women had posted about bleeding and having healthy children. But in my heart, I felt that the baby was not going to make it. I cried, I talked to God and to my baby, as I felt it could not possibly make it through all this bleeding.

On Saturday evening, my husband brought the kids home and I sat down to eat some food they had brought me. Suddenly, I started to feel pain in my abdomen and two gushes of blood pass down. I went to the bathroom and saw that I had passed a large clot with some sort of tissue and I called my husband in. I remember crying and saying “This is not right. I think I’m having a miscarriage.” That’s when the contractions started, and that’s really why I’m writing this post. I never, ever knew that miscarriages involve labor type pains. I’ve had two kids, and I know what labor feels like. The contraction would come, I would cry for the pain, for my baby, for what was going on, and then it would leave. My husband called our friend and she was at our house within minutes to watch the kids while we went to the emergency room. I tried to hide my tears, but my daughter is so sensitive and kept asking me why my tummy was hurting (we had also not told her about the pregnancy) and I just told her I would be fine.

The staff at the emergency room were absolutely wonderful and very sensitive to our situation. A friend of mine said during her miscarriage, the doctor was very unsympathetic, which is the worst thing I can possibly imagine. The contractions continued to come and go, and my husband, although trying to help me through, looked so panicked as to what was happening to me. We had no clue about what this experience entailed. I was put in a private room for another vaginal ultrasound and blood test. I asked the ultrasound technician if she would tell me when she sees the baby, and that’s the moment I will probably remember for the rest of my life- the hesitation, and the “I don’t see it, I’m afraid.”

I guess you never forget that moment when you’re told. Everything stops. Everything. Except the tears.

By this time my contractions had also stopped. I remember the technician saying she had seen my ultrasound from Thursday and that the baby seemed “too small” and was most likely not growing normally and this was “nature’s way of dealing with it.” She was a sweet lady who was trying to comfort me, but no words felt comforting.

My bleeding continued. I was told it would for a few days, but to see my doctor as I had already planned to on Monday, and to get plenty of rest. Then we were discharged. Just like that, my baby left me.

That was it. Yesterday I was pregnant and today I’m not.

I’m hurting in a way that I can’t put into words. I believe that my little baby is up there in a much better place than this world could ever offer. I believe we will meet. I am eternally grateful for the two wonderful children I came home to with their smiling faces and cries of “Mama!” But I know I will always think of my unborn little one.

I don’t know what the right words are to say to someone who has been through this experience, but I know that letting them grieve is important. Yes, we only knew about it for a short time, yes, we never physically touched the baby, but I carried it, and it was part of me. The pain is there, it’s real and it hurts so much.

If you know someone who is going through this, please make sure they have help with the house, food and the kids, because it is physically painful as well as emotionally. My lower abdomen is still quite painful. Hollie posted about it on the Baby Gizmo Facebook page, and some amazing women gave wonderful words of comfort- if you are going through this, it may help to read their comments here.

Finally, I know that many women and couples choose not to announce their pregnancy incase of a loss. But I stand by the words I previously stated- at least tell some people who live close by and that can help you just incase anything does happen. At times like this, you need the love, comfort and help of others to get through the hard times. <3

Have you experienced a miscarriage? Leave us a comment below and help ease another mother’s pain.

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Susan

Monday 3rd of October 2016

So sorry for your loss. Thank you for being so strong and sharing your experience. I have to say that I am not as strong because I have had 3 miscarriages and only shared with a few close friends and family. After having an uneventful and full term pregnancy with my first child, I never considered the possibility of having a loss but then a year later I found myself going through that exactly. It was so tough for me although it was an early loss, it was still a loss and many people could not understand my pain. The second time, I was scared but still chose to tell my family and friends i was pregnant, convincing myself that the first mc was a fluke. Early into my 2nd trimester, I lost that child too and had to endure the pain of giving birth at home, collecting what tissue I could to take to the hospital, and then move across an ocean a week later. I was devastated and had residual bleeding for 3 months. My third mc was only shared with my mom and sister who both were not understanding or supportive, blaming me and warning me to stop trying. Not having that support was probably the second to worst thing next to not having my children. Determined, my husband and I kept trying and just before he was to deploy, we found out that I was expecting! I was working with a very informative and sympathetic doctor who had prescribed me progesterone to start after ovulation and my pregnancy continued. It has been so tough because all of my fears and facing them alone but here we are at 34 weeks with a healthy baby boy growing inside of me. For those of you who have lost, have faith that there is hope and follow your heart ?

Vahida

Monday 8th of December 2014

So sorry for your loss, I'm grieving for you & with you. After trying to get pregnant for 2 yrs with no success, I was told by the Doctors that in all possibility I would never have a child without help since I had polycystic ovaries. After taking pills and hormone injections and all sorts of home remydies & potions for over 15 yrs, we accepted Allah's will & stopped trying. The only thing we did not try was IVF as we could not afford it and it was not available on the NHS. Then 5yrs later, totaly out of the blue I found out I was pregnant. My period was 5 days late and I was getting terrible cramps and unbearable abdo pain. The A&E doc sent me for a scan &when they told me I was pregnant I nearly fell of the bed & refused to believe them till I saw it on the scan. Due to the pain they kept me in hospital & I had a scan every week. We could see the heart beat but it was too early to hear it, but we were told that it was the right size & growing normaly. Then at 11 weeks, one morning I woke up & the pain had gone but I knew straight away that some thing was wrong. Later that day the scan showed no heart beat ,my baby was dead although we could still see the little shape in the amniotic sac. Obviously my husband & I were in shock & totaly devastated. We didnt get much simpathy from the docter who was a women. She discharged me & sent me home saying expect heavy bleeding. After waiting a week with no bleeding, they did a D& C. We had told no one about the pregnancy as things were so touch and go. That yr Eid al Adha was same time as xmas so we were going to tell everyone then as I would have been about 15 weeks by then. I ended up grieving alone as my husband, although very loving & undertanding, felt that it was over and done with & I should move on as was not meant to be. In some ways it was easier as I had not still fully accepted that I was pregnant. 4 months later while still grieving and tryin to come to terms with my loss, my mother passed away, my Allah grant her Jannah. A month later I missed my period again , which I never do. The pain & cramps started again & again had to go to A&E. They did the scan & told me I was about 6 weeks pregnant ! This was definatly a miracle from Allah Almighty. This time I found it a bit easier to accept & was sure things would go alright. Why else would Allah give me a second chance. May be the first time was a trial run to prepare for the real thing. I was extatic & this time told my sister & a few close friends. However, at 11 weeks again history repeated itself, the pain stopped & the scan showed no heart beat. I could not believe it, my heart was in pieces & I felt totaly numb. The technican left the room saying she had left the picture on the screen so we could look at it in private & to get dressed & come out when ready. In my shock & distress, I had forgotten all about my husband, who was still standing at the foot of the bed. I was trying to do up my jacket but my hands were shacking so much I couldnt do the zip, he walked over, did up the zip then took me into his arms & said " Inna lillahe wa innah illayhe rajioon " & thats when it hit me . My little baby was gone & for the second time . I couldnt believe it, surely fate couldnt be so cruel after the years of longing & waiting. Again I had to go in for a D&C after 8 days of no blood loss. My tears would not stop, I was beyond broken hearted. I just could not accept the loss. At 42 I knew that my chances of another pregnancy was almost zero. Everyone told me to forget it & move on. I felt they were all being insensitive, how could I forget my little helpless babies ? I felt I had let them down, that I couldnt even protect them in my womb where they should have been safe. Some said dont worry you could have another one , but I didnt want another one, I wanted the ones that should have been, the ones who's heart beat I never got to hear, the ones I never even got a chance to feel moving in my womb or had the pleasure of anticipating their arrival or of holding them in my waiting arms. Even friends who themselves had had a misscaridge didnt seem to understand as they already had children before & then went on to have more or after their misscaridge they went on to have children. I felt so lonely & bereft. I prayed every moment of the day & night for Allah to make this very difficult time go easier and to give me sabar & forebearance. Eventualy the tears got less but the silent grieving & loss has never gone. You just learn to live with it. How can you forget a part of you that has been lost forever. That was 10 years ago, every now & then I still cry buckets, especialy on the days they died & on what would have been their birthdays. I'm still asking Allah to grant me sabar & serenity but I dont want to forget them, I'm the only one that remembers but thats ok, they are a part of me. I know that in Islam a foetus is only considered a baby after 4 months or 120 days when its soul is breathed into it, & so if a miscarridge occurs after that time, the baby goes straight to jannah to play at the feet of Ibrahim AS , & on the day of judgement it will drag his parents in to jannah. For me, even this is no comfort as both miscarriges were at 11 weeks so well before the soul is injected. But Allah in his wisdom, works in mystesious ways which are beyond the understanding of us mere mortals, so I continue to pray to merciful Allah that he will keep my babies safe so that one day I will get to meet them, Inshah allah. The real sad part for me is that my wonderful husband would have made a fantastic & loving father & in a way I have denied him that as well as the pleasure of grandchildren . My broken heart bleeds even more each time I see him playing with my friends children. I hope & pray that all the sisters in this situation find their hearts filled with peace & that Allah swa gives you the support & sabar that you need & that you too will find your little one waiting for you in heavan. Was salaam. X x.

lindsey

Wednesday 29th of October 2014

Thank you for sharing. My first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage at 8.5 and 10 weeks respectively. You have put into words what many women can not express (or talk about) - the hope and joy that was once there and then the overwhelming sorrow that is there in the flick of an eye. The physical pain is hard, and unlike labor there is no reward. Only sorrow.

For me, the grieving continued. For many years. Especially when I hit certain milestones, like mother's day or their due date, or their birthdays. Over time, The pain has lessened, but it has never really gone away. I think a person who experiences this, never really does move on completely. It is something that molds you, changes you. Forever.

My prayer is that through your sharing, other women who have experience the same thing will be comforted, in some small way. You are not alone. They are not alone. We are all in this together.

Rebecca

Tuesday 21st of October 2014

I have survived two miscarriages. The first one was truly devastating because we were blindsided. We still lived in the world where getting pregnant = bringing home a baby 9 months later. It hurt so badly that we didn't try again for 5 yrs, only to have a second miscarriage when we finally did. People who have never experienced a miscarriage don't understand that you are mourning the loss of a future life, birthdays, hugs, kisses, graduations, even grandchildren.

Once I began to openly talk about my experiences, I was amazed to find out that almost every single women I talked with had experienced a miscarriage of her own but never talked about it before.

Fortunately, I've been blessed with my Rainbow Baby (baby born after a loss of a child) three months ago. Honestly, she has been the source of my biggest healing. I'll always remember and love my two angels, because of them I cherish every moment I can with my Rainbow (yes even the 3 am feeding/diaper changes) .

Thank you for sharing your angel with us, she will always be part of you and everyone else you share her with. As others have said take one breath at a time. Grieve as you need, grieve with your husband and allow him to grieve as he needs. Thoughts and prayers for you.

rahina hussain

Tuesday 21st of October 2014

I have had four miscarriages now I have two beautiful daughters when I had my three I give up thinking I would never get pregnant again I left it to up to god and I another after my daughter older daughter now eight years later I have been blessed with another daughter I had three daughters my first died the pain of having a miscarriage is heart braking but always remember the date of when you had your miscarriage and make your never forget it but you have faith in god he knows what is best for you and was not

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