How To Put Together a Racetrack at 6:30 On Saturday Morning (In 35 Easy Steps)

Race Car 1

1. Dump entire box on the living room floor.

Race Car 2

2. Realize this is a wall-mounted racetrack. (Which is clearly stated on the box, but it’s 6:30 AM and I cannot be expected to read things carefully.)

3. Pack bazillion pieces back into box.

4. Take box to basement where ugly sh*t can go on the walls.

5. Repeat step 1 in basement floor.

6. Lay out wall template.

7. Yell at the dog for eating part of wall template.

Race car 4

8. Put dog in kennel.

9. Get coffee.

10. Go on a mission to find painter’s tape to hang template on the wall.

11. (15 minutes later) found painter’s tape in Narnia (otherwise known as the garage).

12. Microwave coffee because it got cold.

13. Go back to basement and mount stupid template on wall.

14. Take sip of coffee. Ahhhhh…progress.

15. Yell at kids. “For the 10th time, NO IT IS NOT DONE YET.”

16. Starting reading directions and looking confused.

17. Think to self “I have a f*ing master’s degree, this cannot be that hard.”

18. Start assembling pieces per directions.

19. Silently cuss husband for being sick and in bed.

20. Stick half completed racetrack on the wall.

21. Reach for coffee mug only to find that the 3 year old is using it for a trashcan.

Race Car 6

22. More silent swearing.

23. Go get new coffee.

24. Return and attempt to put rest of track together per directions (discover that the part the dog ate was actually important. Cuss dog silently).

Race Car 7


26. More reading directions, more coffee drinking, more questions from children, and then, FINALLY….

27. Oh wait…back to Narnia in search of D batteries. (Oh sh*t, we will never have those).

28. (10 minutes later) Declare Christmas miracle when D batteries are located.

29. Oh wait…back to Narnia once more for a screwdriver.

30. (15 minutes later) Take off wrong panel in search of battery slot (even though it is clearly marked).

31. Finally find correct battery slot. Insert batteries. Screw back on.

32. Hold breath.

33. Declare second Christmas miracle when it actually works.

Race Car 8

34. Leave children to play in search of ibuprofen and vodka.

35. Allow several moments of being proud of yourself and contemplating all the other things you might build. (Yeah, right).