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The Universal Truths Of Parenthood

Parenthood Truths

This list was inspired by two things:

1.My youngest son who, while my back was turned, colored his hands, legs, feet, and the basement carpet a brilliant orange. I cleaned it up, but it just looks like a third rate criminal tried to cover up a murder.

2. A dream where I was so tired that I was accidentally falling asleep and doing things like taking my kids to school and then going in their classrooms and saying weird things to their teachers that I couldn’t remember. I am not making this up. Weirdest dream ever with a pretty clear message: my kids are tying to kill me.

The Truths:

Nothing can be gained by looking under the couch cushions. (I mean, really. Don’t look under there).

No, you will never know what that smell is.

Only 3 things will survive the zombie apocalypse: glitter, Easter grass, and moon sand.

Someone will have to poop when you’re late for (insert important adult thing here).

Yes, you will really be THAT tired.

Shit is gonna get ruined, so don’t get nice shit.

Wear white at your own risk.

Beds will be peed in. Mostly your bed.

You will scoop turds out of a bathtub. Way more than once.

You will catch vomit in your hands. And not be all that grossed out.

You will be so sick that death seems imminent. And then you will have to get up to fetch someone a drink and a snack.

Dirty laundry is eternal.

You have to feed them EVERY DAY. They NEVER STOP EATING.

You will be kicked in the face in the middle of the night.

You will be bullied into getting a dog that no one else takes care of except you.

Someone will break your favorite wine glass.

No one will wait until you’ve had a cup of coffee.

Leave them unsupervised at your own risk.

You will witness chaos, ruin, and wreckage you never thought possible. In your house.

Your kids will eventually have homework you don’t know how to do.

One of your kids will call you fat, squishy, or stinky. Maybe all three.

You will abandon your shopping cart in the store, carry a screaming child to the car, and then cry all the way home.

You will get nothing done when you need to get something done.

Your back will hurt.

You will receive annoying and unsolicited advice that is stupid.

Your child will eat boogers and dirt in addition to smelling the hand that was just in his butt crack. But the dinner you cooked is SUPER GROSS.

You will never fully appreciate the amount of free time you had before kids until it’s too late.

Going to an adult movie at an actual movie theater will become the second holy grail (only behind sleeping).

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