I think horrible, awful things sometimes. When my kids ask dumb questions, repetitive questions, or just act ugly and get on my nerves. I have unfiltered banter in my own head to help keep my cool under the demands, pressure, and tomfoolery of raising children. Sometimes I’m truly in awe of how many questions they can ask in a single breath, and how truly ungrateful they can be for the food I put in front of them.
I once told my oldest that we were driving to the beach because flying was too expensive. He proceeded to whine and complain about a beach vacation because he was going to have to ride in the car. I launched into a very unnecessary rant about kids who don’t get to go on vacations.
This was obviously not effective for a six year old because he said, “They are lucky they aren’t going to the beach.” I asked him why and he said, “Because at least THEY don’t have to sit in the car all day.”
I was at a total loss for words, but I was sure thinking a few things. Such as, (You poor, poor, spoiled little shit. The nerve of me making you sit in the car ALL DAMN DAY so you can have a summer beach vacation.) I could summon no words I was actually able to say to him, so I sent him to his room. (That’ll show him!)
Here are some other common questions, demands, and foolish statements from the warlords living in my house.
“I don’t want the broken one!”
(It’s a f*ing swiss cheese, dude. It has holes anyway, for god’s sake.)
“Mom, come wipe my butt!”
(What else can I do for you, Mr. Stalin? When will you learn to wipe your own ass?!)
“I don’t want you, I want Dad!”
(Well screw you too, then. I wanted to go drink anyway. At least wine is QUIET.)
“You are so mean!”
(Only because you are such an ill-mannered mini shit.)
“I don’t want to take a bath!”
(Well, you stink and I can’t take any further judgment from your teacher.)
“I’m not tired!”
“I don’t want to eat THAT for dinner. It’s gross.”
(SHUT UP AND EAT THE FOOD. BUT MOSTLY…SHUT UP.)
“I don’t want to stay with a babysitter. Why can’t I go with you?”
(Because mommy is going to go to bat shit crazy if she doesn’t get an adult night, and then you’ll have to come visit her in the crazy house on Saturdays for the rest of your life. And it will be all your fault.)
“Why can’t I see God? Why is the sky blue? What makes a hurricane? Why can’t we go to China? What’s the most poisonous snake in the world? Why is your tummy all mushy?”
(ARG. I don’t know….wait, did you just call me FAT? I got stitches in my vagina for you, you ungrateful little thing. And I felt like I was going to vomit every day of my life for nine months while you were ruining my body. YOU’RE WELCOME.)
(I now understand why animals sometimes eat their young.)
“I don’t want to watch this!”
(Then get off your ass and find the remote. I’m tired.)
“I love you, Mom.”
(I love you, too. More than air, more than life. I’d step in front of a bus to keep you safe. I’d do absolutely anything for you. Why can’t you be this sweet all the time?)
What are your evil, innermost thoughts in the heat of the moment?