You know you’re a new mom when…

New mom

You know you’re a new mom when…

…you obsess about the color and consistency of your baby’s poop.

…you read a parenting book from start to finish with hopes of actually learning something you don’t already know.

…you eat your children’s leftovers and wonder if other moms you know are doing the same.

…you regularly watch your baby while he’s sleeping.

…you think you’re “different” than most moms.

…you pack up your child’s nursery when taking weekend getaways to visit family or friends.

…you call the doctor’s office whenever your child gets a fever.

…you go to the emergency room whenever your child gets a fever and your doctor’s not on call.

…you buy toys with the expectation that they’ll do something miraculous with your child.

…you think yoga pants are novel.

…you always lose your keys.

…you think motherhood is, somehow, just harder for “people like you.”

…you watch Maury instead of sleeping when your baby sleeps.

…you watch Lifetime during the day to “stay connected” with humankind.

…you consider 15 minutes in the shower a luxury.

…you realize that you used to be a lazy, douche-bag.

…you wonder when your house will ever be clean again.

…you can’t find the time to shower.

…you think you’re so different from your mom.

…you carry a pacifier with you at all times.

…you panic the first time your child sleeps through the night.

…you feel bad for feeling bad about not wanting to be needed at all times.

…you accuse your spouse of never being able to understand what being a new mom is like.

…you get defensive about questions about your parenting tactics.

…you obsess about naps and sleep times, in general.

…you cry because you love your life and little baby so much more than you ever imagined possible.

Now it’s your turn. Fill in the blank. You know you’re a new mom when…