Dear Claw Machine,
I just want to let you know that we are NOT friends. We have never been friends. We will never be friends. I would like you to leave me and my family alone. Stop using your magical powers to draw in my kids to play you. Sure they like you. They can’t get enough of you is the problem. It’s like a love-hate relationship that you have with my kids. They love you but hate to lose.
If I could get a restraining order against you, I would. Okay, so you don’t move. Fine. It is my family that comes to you. I get it. I assure you it isn’t on purpose. You show up at places we go without calling us first. You are places you shouldn’t be. You are everywhere. Like the grocery store. Really?!? Do you have to make my excrutiating trip to the grocery store with my three kids worse? Have you ever shopped with a 1, 3 and 5 year old before? It’s chaos! And yet, you are sitting there pretty right behind the checkout taunting my kids. Why do you hate me that much?
Do you know what you do to my kids? You cause them to completely lose control. The power you have over them is amazing, I must admit. They can’t walk by you without you drawing them in. If a stranger pulled up in a creepy van, opened the door to reveal you in the back, my kids would hop right in. No need for the lost puppy story. It would just take a claw machine. Shame on you for having that much power!
Plus, I hate to say it but it’s not just the kids. It’s my husband too. It must be a macho thing because he can’t say no to the kids when it comes to you because I think he honestly thinks he can beat you. He cannot. You cheat. Sure, you let him win every now and then to keep him coming back. But really, you sit there taking quarter after quarter making him look like a chump in front of his own kids. Shame on you! Plus, you don’t even fight fair. Your stupid claw is always so loose that it can’t possibly pick up one of those dumb 5 cent teddy bears.
That’s right, I said it! 5 cent teddy bears! I can’t believe they even cost that much! Your “prizes” are crap yet my 5 year old seems to think that your prizes are made of gold. It’s got to be the voodoo curse you put on her as she walks by. So, my husband ends up pumping about ten bucks into you in hopes of getting a piece of crap stuffed animal. It’s all in the win for him, I know. But most of the time, you make him leave empty-handed. Do you know what that does to my kids? Tears! Tears, I TELL YOU! We walk away from you with tears streaming down my children’s faces 99% of the time. Today, you had my 4 year old walking away from you crying on his 4th birthday! Damn you! I can’t take it anymore. You are mean, mean, mean. Please, go away. Don’t show up at any family restaurants, grocery stores, kiddy arcades or family resorts again! We are not friends! I’m just sayin’!