11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Maybe you’ve already read this?  Maybe not?  We figured in case you didn’t see it and needed a good laugh – we thought we’d share it with you.  A friend of mine sent this 11 step program to me today on Facebook.  Honestly, I don’t know who wrote it but it had me laughing out loud.  Sometimes that is all you can do as a parent! 

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!

What lesson would you add?

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Baby Gizmo founder Hollie Schultz is the proud mom of three adorable kids. This certified CPS (Child Passenger Safety) Tech and baby gear expert is the host of the Baby Gizmo video reviews giving moms the inside look at baby products before they purchase them. Hollie is also the co-author of The Baby Gizmo Buying Guide. A former resident of Los Angeles, she and her family now live in North Carolina where she is having a blast designing and decorating her new home.

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34 Comments on "11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids"

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Connie
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Kids are great….i had two wonderful children and my life would hsve been so drab without them. Now i have two wonderful young adults that i csn relate to on so many levels along with giving and receiving love. Of course, during their childhood we had many ” interesting” experiences but absolutely nothing so nearly horrific as described in thus extreme article. Unfortunately there seems to be more and more of a bias in our society about having children and loving them, thats a shame because without children it would be a terribly dreary world and nit much hope fir… Read more »
Akru
Guest

Step 12: Count your blessings that you can even HAVE kids and maybe all the bitching will stop — Cripes, some of us wish we could have the pleasure to experience even 5 minutes of these experiences.

Liz
Guest

I’m agree with MARY COMMENT,This just annoyed me too . My daughters are excellent not perfect but good. When you are a good parent your children behave not perfect but not like that .

boovazquez
Guest

hysterical. good humor. if you have a child with special needs, you multiply any of these lessons by 10. Mari, don’t be so annoyed by a commedic piece.

Skeletor
Guest
Ooh, ooh. I have one. Can I play? Since you do not yet have children yourself, you likely have several friends who also don’t have children. Figure out which of those friends are not planning on having children at all. Make sure you have the obnoxious noise from Step 3 on at full volume, then call each of these friends. Tell these friends how magical the gift of having children is. This should be done in a tone that is both smug and superior, which may be difficult to pull off given the volume your voice will need to be… Read more »
Margaret Thatcher
Guest

This was hilarious, and brought back lots of memories, some of which there are pictures to prove it happened.
But…….I would do it all over again, IF I were young again. NOT going to happen. So I will just
enjoy my grandchildren, and cuddle my cat.

Gary
Guest

Pretty sure that this is written by Dave Barry.
Surprised at some of the indignant comments. How do people get so indignant about humor pieces?
Parenthood isn’t quite this hard but if you’ve been a parent and can’t relate to any of this then the other person raising your child was working hard.

Courtney
Guest

I find this hilarious!!! And it’s not glorifying out of control kids! People RELAX!! It’s adding humor to the difficult task of being a parent. Being a mom or dad isn’t easy, and what’s ironic is that being a parent, most the time, can be as funny as this article. I loved this, I laughed so hard I cried!!

Cassie
Guest

I didn’t find it funny either Mari. Nothing funny about out of control kids and parents.

Penny
Guest
Our children are our blessings and I don’t feel anyone here is disagreeing with that. Raising children is rewarding and taxing also. Sharing humor about it with others who experience the same has no shame. Live a little and laugh a lot! Get ready for the teenage years. lol. Then a real special time is when they are adults and you can watch them sometimes making choices from the values you taught them. Great reward when it happens. We love our children no matter which stage of life they are in, but we better get ready to laugh at some… Read more »
carrie
Guest

To practice getting ready for family functions or outings try and get not only yourself showered and dressed, but also a dog or cat as many as how many children you will have. You need to bath them, cloth them, pack a diaper bag, then keep them that way while you get yourself ready. Because heaven knows if you get yourself ready first then by the time you are done getting them ready, you just hav to wash and change yourself all over again. Lol

cara
Guest

this was hilalrious and sooo true. and as for the comments: WOW!!! People need to relax!!

Anonymous
Guest
I’m seriously tired of articles making jokes about parents complaining about how hard it is to raise a child. It’s self righteous. No one said parenthood is easy. You’re not awesome because your “whole life was sacrificed to raise this child.” Not once did I ever hear my mother, or grandmother, complain or jokingly complain about raising kids. If I asked, they were honest. Clear about how hard it is, but made sure to make it clear that it is worth it. I can never see them, or myself, taking time to sit down and think about all the pleasures… Read more »
Bev..SngleMomOf2
Guest
Mari* im glad u have right to call ppl stupid im sure your kids will do great with sovial skills u taught em. The pb and j comment i believe is about kids bein sticky and touching everything not bout “stupid” parents allowin kids to eat unsupervised n livin room. My oldest child is blind and my youngest is ALL boy ALL the time but he is a , they both r, great respectful kids but kids nonetheless..if your kids arent able to be messy, make messes or run a lil wild while at home i feel truly sorry for… Read more »
Kweku
Guest
Step 12 – Pick three people (we’ll call them your spouse/partner, your boss, and your babysitter). Ignore everyone else’s phone calls when they come in. – Listen to voicemail once a week (unless from one of those three people) – return a maximum of 1 out of every 4 missed calls or voicemails (special three get all calls returned unless you see them first). – never return a call within less than 24 hours. Do this for 30 consecutive days. If you screw up once, start from scratch. If you succeed, you won’t have to worry about setting communications expectations… Read more »
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