I love summer. Except when it’s ruining my life. It’s an enchanting time of year with warm evening breezes, lightning bugs, ice cream cones, and long days in the sun. I look forward to it, long for it really, during the gray and cold of winter. It never disappoints me when it gets here. Summer is always everything I dreamed it would be.
Then June passes, July is over, and August finally rolls around. At this point I’ve been summering my ass off for two long months with two young boys in the house. The beacon of hope is the school supply letter that arrives in the mail, which is really a code letter from the gods telling me to hang in there. It’s the divine signal that fall is coming, the kids will soon leave the house and all the mosquitoes will die a slow and horrible death.
Although summer is dandy, here are all the reasons it starts ruining my life come August:
Sunscreen Ruining My Life
Sunscreen becomes the bane of my existence every year around July 10th. That’s about the time I start losing patience with, “NO, I DON’T WANT SUNSCREEN!” from two wiggly little shits who insist they won’t get sunburned because they are magic. Because they know, right?
Dear children, you don’t know jack shit and that includes whether or not you need sunscreen.
By the time mid-August rolls around, everyone is wearing long sleeves shirts and jeans to the pool because I can’t deal.
Not just THE Crack. ALL the cracks. The spots where your arms and legs bend, the pits, under the tits, and yes, the ole brown eye. Legs sticking to the car seat, rolls of visible heat wafting from the parked car, and perpetual t-zone oiliness. Not to mention the fur coat that grows out of my head and goes halfway down my back. A buzz cut starts sounding like a viable alternative.
When will my butt stop sweating?!
I’m on my second mystery rash of the season from yard work. The two previous years I’ve had poison ivy. I should have learned my lesson, right? Apparently, I don’t learn lessons, including what poison ivy looks like. Not to mention the fact that I’ve broken the lawn mower twice.
Mosquitoes and Bug Spray
Mosquitoes spawn straight from the loins of the devil in hell and walk the earth every summer in search of lives to ruin. Did you know that? It’s in all the science-y books. As far as bug spray goes, please reference said reasons in the sunscreen section.
Stupid, piss face, shitty mosquitoes. DIE.
Children Ruining My Life
I love my kids and if someone hurts them you will witness the sleeping beast of a redneck that lives inside me. That being said, “Hey kids, get the hell out and go back to school.” I’m tired of mediating fights, monitoring electronics, feeding you ALL DAMN DAY, and otherwise entertaining you.
No, you can’t have gummies for breakfast.
No, you can’t have donuts for dinner.
Stop hitting your brother.
Please share or I’m sending you to your room.
Stop jumping on the couch.
Who spilled this in the floor?
Who peed all over the bathroom?
Stop doing that.
Stop doing that.
Stop doing that.
I say all these things anyway, but it’s been ALL FREAKING DAY FOR WEEKS ON END WITH NO END IN SIGHT. I’m looking forward to saying these things for a short time in the morning and then again between 3 o’clock and 7 o’clock. Sounds like a vacation to me. In the meantime, summer is ruining my life.