This is the cardinal rule for all outings with children under 10. I’m not talking about baked kale chips sprinkled in pixie dust. I’m talking about Skittles, Cheetoes, Oreos, and other such junk you hide in the house because it will cause juvenile diabetes. It’s health food for YOU on family vacation.
(Also, can we stop calling these “vacations” and just call them “trips”? The word vacation is criminally misleading.)
Let the brain rot commence, as long as everyone is quiet and sitting still. If Minecraft and math games aren’t working, I recommend something with blood, monsters, and a completely inappropriate age rating.
Once Oreos and Minecraft have been doled out, these are for you. Order some wine and pretend this is a real vacation. At least for the duration of the flight and/or car ride. The flight attendant will probably give you a few minutes to cry and psych yourself up before making you get off the plane.
This should be standard issue at your child’s 4-year well visit. To be used in the following family trip situations:
- “He’s looking at me!”
- “She’s touching me!”
- <kicking the airplane seat in front of them>
- Looking at you and saying, “NO!”
- All other situations deemed appropriate by POC (parent in charge).
You are traveling with children. Don’t be delusional.
And don’t forget the 5 gallons of sunscreen, 18 beach towels, 4 bags of sand toys, and 10 chairs. About one-eighth of this will actually be used, but you’ll still haul ALL OF IT to and from the beach every day.
Have a great vacation! Er, um, I mean trip.
If you have a stronger stomach and an affinity for f-bombs, you can read here about how the 5 Stages of Family Vacation are similar to the 5 Stages of Grief.