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All The Best Moms

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I think all the best moms share a few things in common. Mostly, we know when to talk, when to shut up, when to have a piece of cake, and when others have had enough of our kids. We are the moms of balance. We are good moms, but not too good, and that’s perfectly okay with us. We love our children (but dammit sometimes they are SO annoying). We are the moms of moderation in all things virtue and vice.

“I’ll read you two books my darling child, but the third one will have to wait because it’s time for Mommy to booze it up in front of the TV.”

If you’ve never had a similar thought, then I suggest you stop reading now.

All the best moms…

Eat cake at kid birthday parties.

Drink wine (or at least don’t judge me for drinking it).

Take their kids to school and/or the bus stop in hobo jammies.

Know what hobo jammies look like.

Serve dinner-ish meals on most evenings.

Drink coffee.

Have nasty orange rings in their toilets on occasion (or all the time).

Have at least one hamper that’s over-flowing.

Don’t mind dropping a well-placed F-bomb for emphasis and flare.

Refrain from sharing helpful advice.

Will listen to you bitch, moan, and complain and still refrain from sharing helpful advice (unless directly asked).

Give helpful advice preceded with “It’s not like I really f*ing know anything, but…”

Will offer to take your kids (and mean it) for an afternoon.

Will bring you wine, chocolate or french fries to make you feel better.

Will not clean their house for you.

Are honest about not having their act together at all times and don’t mind telling you the details.

Know that their children sometimes act like insufferable assholes.

Give their kids junk food on occasion because that shit is good.

Don’t mind admitting they don’t have all the answers.

Don’t mind admitting they’ve made up a few answers.

Laugh in secret when their kids use swear words.

Give other moms a pass because they have needed one too.

Don’t give a shit if you breastfeed or bottlefeed as long as you feed.

Don’t talk about their weight, diet, or exercise routine all the time. (Because they know that shit is trifling.)

Are not in competition with you. Or with anyone. Because it’s stupid.

Will share dessert with you and actually eat some of it.

Will hold you up, share their failures, give you a tissue, and then tell you something horrible they did to make you feel better about your parenting.

Stand together okay moms of the world. I love you guys so F*ing much.

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