My kids want play dates more than they want candy. After a long day at school the first thing my son asks is, “Can I have a playdate?” It’s also the first thing out of his mouth at 8am on a quiet Sunday morning. “Can you call Tommy’s mom and ask if he can come over?” Play dates are a mom’s tool for free sitter time. Time when the kiddos are preoccupied and I can get things done; like throwing out the moldy vegetable art installation in my fridge or picking up my husbands vinegar smelling socks off the couch. While play dates keep my kids occupied, I despise play dates that make me feel like I am an overaged, underpaid camp counselor.
Here is my top TOP TEN LIST OF the Worst Play Dates
- THE KID WHO WOULD RATHER HAVE A PLAYDATE WITH YOU THAN YOUR KID. I don’t set up play dates for my kids so I can hang out with their friends. Look, I know I’m a good time but you are here to play house with my kid! I’ve done my time building legos on the floor. Now, its time for me to sort my laundry and do the dishes.
- THE KID WHO HAS CHRONIC GREEN BOOGERS. Nothing gives me the gag reflex faster than snot. Especially if it comes in shades of a shamrock. If your kid has a runny nose or crusty boogers, keep his sick ass at home.
- THE KID WHO DOESN’T LIKE TO SHARE. Very few children are great at sharing, my kids included. However, I expect play mates coming over to walk in the door like Mother Teresa… I don’t want to referee a “sharing meltdown.” And I’m too tired to enforce the rule, “The guest gets to choose.” So please come seeking peace.
- THE KID WHO CONSTANTLY WANTS TO EAT… No one loves feeding hungry children more than me but when I have to stand behind my kitchen island like a short order chef.. then you’re out. After two snacks the kitchen’s closed. Feed your child at home. This also includes the picky eater who doesn’t like any of the snacks I offer and rummages through my pantry.
- THE WHINEY BABY TALKER. Nothing makes you look like a bigger idiot than when you are nine years old and a baby talker. Grow up and learn another method of manipulation.
- THE KID WHO WANTS YOU TO WIPE THEM. There are very few butts I will wipe… one being my own, my 5 pound pomeranian and my two children. If your kid is laying cable the size of a loaf pan, then he can wipe his own fartbox. Please make sure he’s done his business before he comes to my house. And for God’s sake DON’T feed him Fiber One bars!
- THE KID WHO CLAIMS HE’S NEVER BEEN TO McDONALDS. Don’t make me feel like I should go to confession for indulging at McDonalds from time to time. I don’t want to hear about the mites and pink slime they put into the nuggets. The fries are delicious and a 32 oz iced tea calms my nerves. Sit down and enjoy the toy in your happy meal.
- THE KID WHO IS A CONCERT PIANIST AND SMARTER THAN YOUR KID. Ugh, I hate them.
- THE KIDS WITH TEENAGE SIBLINGS. I’m not saying all older siblings are bad but the ones who feed the younger ones inappropriate jokes and pop culture references need to be sidelined. Once, a kid showed me her “twerk” and then asked me, “Did you know that girl Miley is in a video swinging on a wrecking ball?” Enough said.
- THE KID WHO TELLS ME MY MINIVAN IS A WRECK. Please don’t judge the crinkled papers on my front seat and the dried up cheerios on the seat belts. “WOW, your car is messy” is not a nice way to start your playdate. I know your mother is gifted with OCD and you could eat Doritos off her car’s floor. However, zip it and enjoy my cluttered people mover and sing along to the blaring country music!