You know what every pregnant woman is missing in her life? More things to shove up her vag!
Oh, I’m sorry, correction: more things that will help her connect to her unborn fetus* shoved up her vag.
There, now it’s not vulgar; it’s sweet! *Collective swooning of hormonal women everywhere*
So if you’ve got a friend’s baby shower coming up and you low-key dislike her, or if you’re pregnant yourself and just looking for something totally unnatural (and I’m sure totally comfortable *wink wink*), check out the BabyPod! Brought to you by a company in Spain, this little speaker fits snuggly up your hoochie to bring your baby a clear, crisp sound of your favorite playlist. You know, for when the good ol’ fashioned, through-the-tummy way is just too basic for you!
The BabyPod is like a speaker tampon. You connect it to your phone, and then position it up inside your vagina so the speaker can reach your baby more directly than headphones on your belly. So if I want to reach my child’s developing eardrums with my favorite death metal playlists, I better insert that BabyPod early.
“But, BabyPod, correct me if I’m wrong: one benefit of being pregnant is getting a 9 month break from shoving things up my vagina like a tampon, right?”
Well, BabyPod boldly promises that if you’re willing to keep stuffing yourself, then it’ll be the “only device that has demonstrated to stimulate vocalization of babies before birth with music.” And…. I totally understand what that sentence means…. So I’m hooked! Where do I sign up?
Head over to their website HERE where you can check out more information on the product and order yours for the super affordable, only-need-to-sell-one-kidney to pay for it, price of $150.
Because if you want your baby to be smart, you better start them on music inside the vagina early. BabyPod makes some solid points in one of their videos about tissues absorbing and scattering sound waves. “In the same way that we cannot hear what is going on inside, the baby cannot hear what is happening outside. This is also a fact.” Oh, okay! They said it’s a fact, so it’s a fact. Though last time I checked, my baby doesn’t live and develop inside my vagina… but hey! What do I know? They went on Ellen so it must be real science!
Listen, to any hater out there laughing right now, I can’t be expected to wait for my kid’s ears to develop completely before I introduce her to classics like Baby Shark! Who cares if she’s relaxing in a nice, muted and warm environment, focusing on developing without a single care in the world? I need her cognitive abilities stimulated against her will BEFORE day one! That’s what good parenting is, right? Sacrificing my own comforts so she can hear the crisp tunes of Mozart through less tissues of the body that houses her. After all, my vagina is already stretched, sore and swollen from pregnancy…what’s a little more for this tampon speaker?
In all seriousness, if anyone has tried this product, we’d love to hear a real review about it. And, as always, remember that Baby Gizmo never gives medical advice. Just the common sense advice to please, be smart with any type of foreign device you choose to introduce into sensitive parts of your body.