As moms, the day is sometimes a series of events which call on our best efforts to swallow rage and exercise patience. Those days when all we’re doing is getting through it, possibly throwing up a prayer to the good Lord that we don’t maim an innocent bystander. On these days, we don’t give a shit if our kids eat Cheetos for dinner or take a bath. We just want them to be quiet until it’s time for the sweetest moment of the day: BEDTIME.
The definition of patience really depends on the day. It can mean using a calm a voice when all we want to do is stomp and roll on the floor just like our kids. And sometimes it means we yell instead of hurl all the dishes into the back yard and burn the house down.
I’m reminded of Homer Simpson who, when trying to suppress his rage at Bart, caused enormous boils to pop out all over his neck.
I understand this rage. The kind that makes you feel like you might develop an eye twitch, have a stroke, spontaneously combust, laugh manically, or just lose your effing mind.
Here are a few things that cause Moms across the land to rage inside and suppress the hell out of our true feelings. We are speaking in a calm voice, but inside we are screaming into a pillow and our heads are spinning in circles.
The Mom Rage List:
- Screaming in the car. I’ve actually pulled out what my parents used to say: “Don’t make me pull this car over!” while swatting my hand at the backseat trying to make contact with something (anything) while insisting they stop screaming. I’m screaming while insisting they stop screaming and it’s a whole mess of irrational and counterproductive mayhem. Kids: 1, Mom: 0
- Taking shoes off in the car for a five-minute drive. If I could get all the minutes back I’ve spent putting on shoes (and socks) in the parking lot of everywhere we go, my first book would be finished. It’s extra special when the toddler throws the shoes (and socks) at you while you’re driving.
- Moon Sand. Dear Moon Sand, I hope you rot in hell. Except I don’t think it rots. It stays forever.
- Not eating the meal just requested. “Yes, I want oats, but not THOSE oats, Mom. They look weird.”
- Going limp. Usually while Mommy is holding 4 bags, a purse, the shoes taken off in the store, and the coat he won’t wear. * See also, “Will you hold this?” while said kid is holding nothing and I’m holding shit for everyone in 5 counties.
- Saying “NO!” to everything. “Time to brush your teeth.” NO. “Time to get dressed.” NO. “Time to clean up toys.” NO. This usually happens with other people watching so Mommy feels extra stupid and incompetent.
- Bedtime shenanigans. Picture this: You’ve just put the kid down for the night. You’ve done dinner, bath, and even gotten the little bastard to brush his teeth. You’ve turned out the light and are about to take a deep breath when he hits you with one of the following:
“I have to poop.”
Cue the neck boils.
- “I have to pee.” This occurs exactly 2.5 minutes after leaving the house where said child declared with vehemance (no less than ten times) “I don’t have to use the bathroom!”
- Public tantrums. Self explanatory, no?
We love our children, which is how we get so polished at suppressing the rage caused by their puzzling and infuriating (albeit, normal) behavior. So let us all rage together in this vast living room called the Internet, and then retire to our homes to drink heavily once the little darlings are asleep. Cheers to all you moms out there. May your neck boils be plentiful.