Almost as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test, the questions started. What next? Am I ready? Will this baby be a girl or boy? What names will we choose? Will I throw up so much I’ll die? Will he or she come with all ten toes? Sometimes, we feel a little dumb for the questions we ask—as if we should’ve come into parenthood already being an expert. So to ease your worries about the “dumb” questions you’ve asked (or would like to ask), here are some things I’ve said and the actual questions I’ve asked my doctor since becoming a mother:
How will I know when I’m ovulating? Is that something we are supposed to know?
Okay, explain ovulation again.
One more time, how do I know I’m ovulating?
Is it normal to pee myself a little when I sneeze?
Why does my butt look like a cat scratched it all over? It appeared overnight!
Why are my nipples so tender? Seriously, my bra sometimes feels like I inserted sand paper pads in the cups.
What’s the stuff leaking out my nipples? I’m only halfway through this first pregnancy!
Will sex hurt my baby? Like… will he poke the baby?
Will my husband be shocked when he sees my “downstairs” after having our baby? I’ve heard it’ll become unrecognizable.
Why does my crotch sweat so much? See! I just got off your table and the parchment paper shows my bum cheeks perfectly!
Why do I smell like my husband’s old gym shorts that were shoved to the bottom of his bag and forgotten about for months?
I sweat. A lot. Like, Niagara Falls, especially while I breastfeed. Why? Are there any products like nursing pads, but for my pits?
Nurses really have to measure my pee?
Will a nurse have to stand next to me while I try to crap? A friend of mine passed out the first time she pooped post-partum.
Was that blood clot too big? I put a quarter next to it, like you said to do, for comparison purposes. I then accidentally dropped it into the toilet…
It’s been a year and I thought sex would feel better by now but it still hurts. Did you sew me up too tightly?
I take a shower and my hair comes out in fistfuls. Will I go bald? Will I go bald more and more with the more kids I have? Because I don’t think I would rock that look.
About my babies:
How do I change a diaper? Am I doing it right?
How do I get all that black stuff (meconium) off her butt and vagina lips?
What’s wrong with her toe? Will it stay funky looking forever? (My daughter’s second toe on her left foot didn’t develop completely at the tip so her toenail is small and thick.)
Will I have to pick off her dried umbilical cord? Do I have to touch that nasty thing? Do people actually keep that, for keepsake reasons?
Is there a way to change her clothes without her screaming so much? I don’t know what I’m doing. Am I doing this wrong?
Why is one boob bigger than the other? Will it always be like that?
His skin keeps sticking to the head of his penis. Is that normal? Should I pull the skin down?
I noticed he gets a little baby boner during diaper changes. Is there any way I can avoid that, or at least avoid touching it? It’s kind of weird.
Can my breast milk go “bad” before even coming out of me?
Can I sneak some of my breastmilk into recipes my husband will eat?
These are only some of the questions I’ve actually asked my pediatrician, and not even the silliest or weirdest, I’m sure. My memory has been terrible since becoming a mom and I know I’ve asked some pretty far-out-there things. I’m not the only one, though, right? What crazy, funny, weird or “dumb” questions have you asked your family doctor and/or pediatrician? Share in the comments!