Okay, that’s it! I’ve reached my limit with the perfect perceptions mommies put out there. I’m done with the “Keeping up with the Jones’” mentality. I’m going to be real and not give a homemade-organic-cloth-diaper-crap what other moms think of me. I’m starting the laid-back Mom Club and for anyone who wants to join me, here are the rules:
No cleaning: Let’s get together for play dates but whoever is hosting, don’t touch your house before we get there. No straightening up, no last minute Febreezing—nothing. We are going to pop in and out of your real life and feel right at home surrounded by obvious signs of living and playing.
No judging: I’m not judging you for your house, the way you discipline (or don’t), or the obvious signs of wine consumption from the night before. You’re not judging me for failing to get my kids out of their PJs (again) and for how many cavities the dentist found. Mom Club is where we can commiserate all the hard and/or lazy parts of parenting that we wouldn’t dare admit online for fear of the Sanctimommies and their judgmental wrath. You disagree with something I write about? Cool, we all get to have our opinions and I’ll respect yours. You want to admit your kid hasn’t had a bath in a week or more? Awesome, I’m right there with you. You want to confess you sometimes hate your toddler? Yup, I feel ya, girl. No unsolicited advice—just empathy and toasts from our beloved coffee cups!
No overly creative mini holiday parties, school lunches, or glitter anything: We understand there’s not an extra hour in the day to get ourselves ready, let alone help our two year old create a masterpiece for each relative for Pi Day. We know what it’s like to let one thing go so you can accomplish something else more vital. Mom Club isn’t for overachieving for the sake of looking the part of a “great mom.” Crafts, parties, and generally all things creative will happen when it’s natural, not because it’s forced or expected, and only when nothing more vital to remaining alive needs to happen first. #Priorities.
No making us look bad: Props to you if you naturally find the time for creative projects and parties more often than I do. But don’t feel the need to humble brag about your weekend adventures to another mom who can’t afford to be as extra as you. Oh, you have sex with your husband 5 times a week? For the love of my marriage, please zip your lip about it in front of my husband, who’s lucky to get it 5 times a month. And you shower and do your makeup every day? Well, pass me some perfume for my “bath” and get off my porch before my husband gets home and sees us standing next to each other.
No taking advantage: Sure, we’ll trade babysitting here and there but in Mom Club, no one takes advantage of another mom. We keep things fair and square: I watch your kid two hours then you watch mine two hours. I carpool one day, you carpool the next. Do your part and Mom Club becomes a well-oiled machine.
No passive aggressive crap: Mom club is a safe enough place to tell it how it is. You mad at one of us? Say it. Don’t waste anyone’s time with passive aggressive texts or attitude when it’s obvious what you’re intending. The sooner you get it all out there in the open, the sooner we can get over it and poor the next glass of wine.
Mom Club isn’t for the weak and it isn’t for everyone. If you don’t think you can follow the rules of Mom Club yet, don’t stress it. You’ll come out of your cocoon soon enough, young butterfly. It took me a few years to chill out and now Mom Club is where my people are.
If you’re willing to let your real life show, to let differences slide off your back, to help when needed and ask for it when you’re drowning, then welcome aboard, fellow mom!